All of us have a fear of something; I don’t care how balanced and normal you are. Overcoming our suffering on our own is almost impossible without the right “internal tools” to guide our way.

I first had to admit that this fear of social gathering was a part of myself and could be used to make me a stronger person. I believed that my fear was a learning tool that I could enjoy. The challenge of mastering my fear was finding great motivation.

Alex, who is afraid of having some terrible disease like Multiple Sclerosis has gone through all kinds of CAT scans, MRIs, and blood tests and nothing has turned up. The doctor has tried to tell him that the cause of his legs tingling is all in his head; he doesn’t want to believe it. He can’t admit that he has this fear of disease. He wants a concrete cause, not some answer of “It’s all in your head.”

If my friend could face the fact that his brain is the most powerful organ in his body then he can begin to learn the complexity of his problem. Mental problems are the hardest to solve because they aren’t black and white – they have more shades of grey than I have seen in my lifetime. That’s a lot of shades!

Let’s say my friend admits he has a problem and needs help. What does he do next? This is where the fun began for me – the journey into learning about my strengths and weaknesses. When I began my journey into the mind it didn’t go very well. I was in high school and would run around in mental circles, never getting anywhere. I didn’t have the tools to help me learn about who I was and how I was going to create an advantage from my fear of social situations.

I knew that I was intelligent like most people with anxiety, but how could I use this to improve my life?

I began to acquire internal tools that would help me on my journey to freedom. I know calling it freedom sounds drastic, but ask my friend how free and happy he feels when he wakes up in the middle of the night and is suffering from a panic attack. Freedom comes from the mind. When we can relax and enjoy any situation that is true freedom. If the mind is cluttered and confused all that will occur is suffering.

For the first couple of years I created more and more suffering because I wanted to reach my final goal – freedom from all mental anguish. I tried prayer, Christianity, Buddhism, The Gita (Yoga), thinking, worrying, professional therapy, friends, family, philosophy, spiritual books, diet, travel, sex, love, career, and everything else that might have worked. What I realized is that I needed all these tools to help me get to where I am now. I have not reached enlightenment and I still feel suffering and pain, but I’ve improved my life dramatically. I can enjoy conversing in a room filled with strangers without the need to leave.

It was my daily strive for happiness that helped me let go of my anxiety. When I began to acquire tools for when I was depressed like meditation, note taking, prayer, yoga, love and positive belief, I was able to learn from the feelings instead of trying to avoid them.

Avoiding the fear is easy, but it’s more useful to make the fear a stepping-stone to a better life.

Look around at your co-workers or your family and notice the things they avoid talking about or doing. They may be afraid to tackle these fears because they seem too hard to overcome, but they aren’t. It is possible if you begin to acquire the internal tools. Don’t try to find all your tools in a month or even a year – take your time and try one out for a couple of months and when you feel you have a good grasp on it put it down for awhile and try another one. Every time you put down one tool make sure you pick up an old tool and use it so you keep that skill fresh before you go and learn a new internal skill.

Over time you’ll see that all these tools will help you master your anxiety and even if it’s always there you can always use the tool of humor to laugh it off and still find a way to enjoy the struggle.

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I have often told people that I have my own religion. One that I am convinced if everyone followed, the world would be a better place. While the doctrines of this religion are simple on the surface, they are hard for the average person to follow. The guiding principle is this:

Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy, (but here’s the kicker) as long as it does not impede on the happiness of others.

That second half is the hard part. First of all it is hard because most people either lack the innate ability, or maybe the will in some cases, to put themselves in the shoes of other people. For example, it’s not easy to understand why someone would want a tattoo of the batman symbol on their back when you personally moved out of your batman craze period in 1997. Or why for that matter would anyone paint their bedroom dark red with black trim? But these are things people do and there are a number of reasons for doing each seemingly odd thing in our lives. A lot has to do with how and where we were raised. If I were raised by “hippy” parents, I might think it perfectly natural to sit in the middle of a busy park and meditate, speaking my mantras aloud. While on the other hand if my parents were much more reserved, it could take me years to build up the confidence to do something that I might have initially seen as outrageous and therefore know that others out there will view it as odd.

While it may smack of “do unto others…”, there is merit in that. Remember the other day on your drive into the office when that @$$ cut you off? Now think back… when was the last time you cut someone off? Probably ‘just the other day’. Now if you had taken a moment to think about how you feel when someone cuts you off, do you think you would still have done it? If you answer is yes, then you better get back to Sunday school. That little bit of unhappiness spreads much more rapidly than happiness does, but happiness does spread.

Another thing that makes the second half of my religion’s guiding principle difficult is putting happiness in perspective. On first blush many have told me that it would be impossible to not impede on everyone else’s happiness all the time. Should I get so mad at being cut off that I am determined not to let that sweet old lady merge into my lane no matter what? If I wear red and you hate red, wouldn’t that make you unhappy? My answer is no. Why? Because happiness goes much deeper than your first reaction to something. While I might not like the song playing on the radio (perhaps the melody strikes a bad chord in me, or it reminds me of a lover who has jilted me), it does not affect my underlying happiness. I can still be at peace with who I am in the here and now. Where this principle has the most trouble is in getting everyone to understand that little things do not necessarily impede on my personal happiness. People get way too upset about the smallest things. I have heard a grown man curse while watering his plans because the water spilled over top of the rim and down the wall below the window ledge. He was genuinely blood-pressure-increased upset. But why? And over water, something that would evaporate on its own or, to save the wall from any possible water damage, could be wiped up in an instant with no stains. We must all learn how to maintain and grow the underlying happiness and joy in our lives and realize the little “annoyances” are just passing moments that should have little or no effect on our emotional outlook if we are truly happy.

Try putting my religion to work for you the next time you have a simple daily decision to make and let me know how you make out.

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I decided to go to bed early. I brushed my teeth and felt the throbbing. It became a teeth-brushing meditation. The whole process became one big body sensation.

I got lost in the moment of the movements and after I was done my headache was gone.

The brilliance of meditation can be found in many different techniques. I’m not sure if this teeth-brushing meditation will solve a headache again, but I’m sure going to try.

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That impossible thinking has stopped.

“Finding the enjoyment in where I’m at” is the perspective I’ve taken over the past couple of years. It’s been an amazing help in every situation. When I wake up in the morning I notice how the sunlight peeks through the curtains onto the corner of the bed sheet, not just the sluggishness of a weary body.

I don’t need my back to feel great.

I don’t need to have sex.

I don’t need to buy something new.

All I need is the ability to find the enjoyment.

My wedding day was a great moment in my life and if someone asks about it I always gush with happiness. But the truth is that even on such a wonderful day I was nervous, anxious, stressed out, tired, and my stomach was going crazy. It doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the memories of my family gathered together, my lovely wife-to-be, the spastic dancing, and the whole scene. I could choose to remember the upsetting parts of my wedding day, but that would be crazy, so I choose to remember the happy moments.

What have you noticed in your day that you could have plucked a little more enjoyment from?

• Your shower?

• Your breakfast?

• That first sip of coffee?

• The usual lull in the afternoon?

Whatever it may be, there is always some bit of enjoyment that you can extract from the situation. Even if you are a teacher and have a bunch of kids acting out, step back for just a milli-moment and soak up that scene before you calm them down. Appreciate their excitement for all it’s worth because one day they’ll be grown up and be responsible adults that will probably never show that same enthusiasm again.

That’s the key: appreciating the moment you are in without giving in to that little voice in your head that’s complaining. Yes, that little voice will probably always be there, but the more you focus on appreciating where you’re at, the softer that voice will become.

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What actually happens to you when you are exercising? Are you really maximizing your enjoyment or are you worrying about a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, work, how you look to other people or something else as you work out? If you are then you’re missing out on your ability to enjoy the whole situation. When you fail to notice your sensations you’re missing the chance to improve your workout.

By allowing your focus to trail away you ignore at least 50% of the experience. You are missing out on how your muscles are feeling, how you’re breathing and all the good work you’re doing. If you are anything like me you feel the muscle in the beginning of the workout, then your thoughts take your focus away from your muscles while you continue your routine. Lately, I’ve been keeping my focus on the workout. Yes, my thoughts still trail away, but I’m able to easily bring them back to the exercise by constantly reminding myself to notice all the little details of how I’m creating a healthier body. As a result, I’ve noticed that I’m improving faster and I understand my body better. If I’m tired I know which exercises fit with my mood. I don’t just do the same old thing because I have to. I engage my thoughts and emotions so I can maximize the workout. It also makes me feel like I have choices about my situation instead of being a slave to the routine.

Millions of people won’t exercise today because they forget the most important rule: Pay attention to the experience the exercise is creating. They make exercise a chore instead of creating a curious and playful experience. Maybe they don’t like working out because they’re afraid to fully engage their minds and bodies in the every moment. I think they need to think of their motivation as a child. If you force a child to go outside and play then s/he’s going to get bored quickly. If you give a child the choice to play on the playground, play in the park or play in a gym s/he probably be so excited that s/he won’t know which one to do first. S/he can create their fun. Give yourself three workout options and allow yourself to have control over how you work out. This will set your mind toward enjoying your choice instead of forcing yourself to do it, which can cause low motivation. When the workout becomes enjoyable, I guarantee you’ll keep your focus on your environment and your body instead of letting it trail off to some worry that doesn’t need your attention.

What are your emotions and thoughts focused on?

Next time you are exercising, notice how often your thoughts trail off to other problems or plans. Try to guess how much you are really focusing on the exercise – 20%, 40%, maybe 60%? I don’t think that I’ll ever reach 100% during an hour of workout, but my goal is to be 95% focused on my routine. If I can reach 95% then I’m probably enjoying the moment more than when I was worried about my website, my wife, or my job. When I exercise I should be focused on the pleasure of the workout. If whatever I’m worrying about is that important then I should stop exercising, take care of it then get back to my routine.

There is nothing wrong with occasionally letting your thoughts trail off to a task that you have to do later, but don’t make it a habit. Otherwise you will only be creating distance between you and your enjoyment.

Try these four tips if you want to improve your workout:

Give yourself the choice – Choose a workout that pleases your emotions. When I choose something I like, I usually don’t end up trying to avoid it by letting my thoughts run wild.

Practice a sport that forces your attention on your body – Long distance runners need their full attention, otherwise they’ll get hurt. I like to practice Yoga because its methodology is to enjoy the breath through each pose and into the next. It forces me to constantly stay aware of each movement and sensation.

Mix up your routine – When you vary your routine you won’t get bored by the same sensations that happened yesterday and last week.

Constantly remind yourself to bring your focus back to the workout – If you can get into the habit of feeling the movement and appreciating the atmosphere and what it’s doing to your body then you’ll enjoy yourself and want to exercise again and again.

Exercise should not be a chore. It should always be enjoyed. If it’s not enjoyable then find a better workout that fits your personality. When you are creative with your workout routine then you have a better chance at improving your body and as a bonus your mind too.

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1. Ignore it.

2. Dwell in these feelings

3. Accept it and find a way to turn your perspective toward something positive.

As I know you’ve guessed – number 3 is the best way to deal with a difficult day. So how does someone do this? One of my favorites is to wash away the worries. I want you to literally get in the shower and turn up the heat. Imagine all your fears, stress, and problems sliding off you and down into the drain. If you can visualize your pain washing away, you can then accept that it was a part of you, but no longer needed.

After you’re done and the shower is off, just stand there with the curtain drawn. Allow this feeling to expand through you. As the water drips off your skin, think of one reason why it’s good to be standing right where you are. Then dry yourself off and be with your thoughts. Notice how you are more relaxed and ready to enjoy the rest of the night.

A hot shower works like a mental switch, allowing you to release the pain of the day and helping you to redirect your thoughts toward a positive direction.

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The article made me think about the values that we are teaching our kids. Many kids who are racists are this way because they learned it from their parents. My parents weren’t perfect, but they were able to see the beauty where many people saw ugliness.

My love of spiders comes from my father. When I was a kid I was scared of them, but he would always point them out and some little detail that he enjoyed. It rubbed off on me and now I do the same thing to my wife and when I have kids they will get the same treatment. That’s why I could never see myself as a kid taking a stick to a spider’s web when I know how hard they work to construct it. My father taught me to see their beauty.

We need to teach our kids to see the beauty in different races, diseases, mosquitoes and everything else that people are afraid of. When we teach our children to see the beauty in everything, it teaches them many lessons.

Compassion for everything.

Curiosity for everything.

Love for each other.

International Herald Tribune, Gretel C. Kovach writes:

“You’d have to get a lot of spiders together and feed them a whole lot of food to make a web that big,” he said.

Whatever caused the vast web, the sight of it has inspired both awe and revulsion.

“It’s beautiful,” said the park’s superintendent, Donna Garde.

Freddie Gowin disagrees. It was Gowin, a maintenance worker at the park, who discovered the web this month when, taking advantage of some of the first dry weather, he mowed the area around the nature trail.

“I don’t think there’s anything pretty about it,” he said, though “it’s certainly unusual.”

Donna saw the beauty because she understood how difficult of a process the whole web system was. You should click on this link to check out the awesome photograph of the web of spider string. It’s just stunning. We need to teach our children the value that everything provides, no matter how big, small, or seemingly ugly it may appear. Underneath it all there is hidden beauty if we take the time to look.

When we open people’s eyes to the beauty that we see, we’ll be creating a kinder and gentler world that we want our children to grow up in, where everything is appreciated because it’s a part of life.

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Kashi cereal is one of my favorites because it’s high in fiber and low in sugar. The picture is of a typical breakfast I enjoy. I usually need one type of fruit whether it be bananas, blueberries, strawberries or whatever is in season.

If you want a few tips on foods that support your mood then check out the Ririan Project article.

“We’ve heard the expression “you are what you eat.” When it’s crunch time, we tend to engage in all sorts of unhealthy habits that further increase our stress levels. That pizza? Bad idea. If your anxiety is spiraling out of control, food should be your ally, not your enemy. So if you find yourself cranky, tired and even clinically depressed, try these 11 mood-boosting foods.”

My favorite is the last one.

“11. ANY FOOD THAT TASTES GOOD!

Eating food that tastes good stimulates the production of endorphins — the painkilling peptides that bind to the brain’s opioid receptors, triggering the same kind of reaction as opiate drugs such as the painkiller codeine, and heroin. So eat the things you enjoy for a natural — and legal — high!”

When dealing with your stress try to eat something healthy because you’ll boost your mood as well as boost your metabolism. Check out the 11 food tips from Rarian Project and boost your day.

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When you watch an old movie that makes you laugh, you are giving yourself instant stress relief.

9. Swim

There is something about immersing yourself in cold water on a hot day or hot water on a cold day. It relaxes all the muscles and releases all that tension.

8. Walk

By taking a walk you can get out of an atmosphere that may contribute to your tension. Take a walk around your neighborhood to get a new perspective.

7. Hot Shower

Sometimes you need to be alone where no one can disturb you. Taking a shower is a great way to wash away your worries.

6. Talk to a Friend

Call a good friend who has a way of seeing life from your angle; it’s always good to know that someone understands where you’re coming from.

5. Enjoyment List

Create a list of things that you enjoy about your situation. It will help you find those little details that you failed to notice because you were too caught up in your worries.

4. Meditation

Take a little time to be with your thoughts. Let them come into your head, then just let them go. I wrote a meditation series at KarlStaib.com that explains a little more about the process.

3. Sex

A good romp in the hay is good for everyone’s stress level.

2. Smoothie

Grinding up fresh fruit like a banana, strawberries and blueberries is absolutely enjoyable. You will be eating quality ingredients, and good food is easy on the digestion system.

1. Yoga

B.K.S. Iyengar, a master Yogi, has described stretching and breathing to a farmer tilling the soil. When you stretch your muscles, you are releasing all those negative feelings and giving your body a chance to open up to feeling relaxed.

What’s your favorite method of relieving your stress?

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My first reaction was, “Yes! Thank God I’m not a woman.”

The next thought was, “What about my wife?”

Then – “I don’t want her to die young because the EPA doesn’t have strict enough standards.”

Then – “Men really are stronger than women.”

Then – “Man, I can’t believe I thought that I was stronger than a woman. Women have different types of bodies. They are built differently to bare offspring. What a crappy thing to think. How selfish of a person am I? There are so many levels of strength that it’s not fair to generalize. Women are stronger in different ways. They live longer because they do a better job of socializing and dealing with their emotions.”

Then logical thinking snuck back in and I realized that I don’t have to believe that my first, second, or third thoughts are really who I am or how I feel. It was interesting to see how quickly I retorted my initial thoughts, making sure I protected my beliefs – that women shouldn’t be compared to men because they have their own unique qualities.

Sometimes that first thought is just a way to shock your mind into getting the thinking started, trying to stimulate the body to take action.

Sometimes the first thought is your brain playing a joke on you, trying to make you laugh.

Sometimes the first thought is a message from your body to stay aware of your thoughts.

Sometimes the first thought is how you feel, but not the whole you. Yes, I’m glad I’m not a woman because I wouldn’t be me married to Nikki.

The list can go on and on into infinity because I can dissect a thought in any way that fits my desires. That’s the joy of being human; you can feel that first thought and not let it get you upset, scared, or sad. We all have the capability to make ourselves smarter if we practice listening to our thoughts.

If you think a thought that you don’t like then you can release it; you’re allowed to do anything you want inside your own brain. There is no law that says the first thought is the most important. It’s really up to you to decide what to do with that thought.

You are allowed to read this article and disagree with me. You are allowed to believe that the first thought is the one that means the most. But in my opinion you’ll have a tough life. When that first thought comes, no matter how it makes you feel you have to trust that it’s the best way to look at a situation. I used to believe that the first thought was the most accurate, until I began watching what it did to my body.

By letting the first thought come then looking at it as something separate from yourself, you’ll be able to stay detached. When I heard from a co-worker that a manager in another department thought I was lazy, I was really upset. I went home and thought I was going to be fired. I jumped on the first thought and ran with the fear.

When you don’t jump onto the ride of emotions that the first thought creates, you’ll be able to make better choices. I was worked up and scared that I would lose my job. It was a waste of my energy. I later found out that the manager was jealous of the attention I was receiving from a couple of young women. He was just trying to relieve his frustrations. That will happen in families and jobs. Social situations will always create feelings that people don’t know how to handle.

When you can learn to deal with the first thought by not taking it as solid and true, then you’ll develop your potential to create emotions that enhance your ability to extract joy from any situation. The first thought is only a little pulse of energy that your brain fired off to help you gain perspective. Use that first thought as a stepping stone to seeing the whole picture and you’ll put it to good use instead of letting it cause emotional pain.

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