Lean Into the Fear

Emotional Tools for Better Living

We can either lean into our fear or shy away. It’s easier to shy away because when we give in to our emotions, life feels safe. We are often afraid to confront our emotions, especially fear. Our first response is to shrink from the fear. It’s a natural reaction to protect ourselves from emotional pain, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the best way to enjoy life.

Habits Develop Early

Fear, like pain, is all perspective. Why can some children fall down and shake it off while others hit the ground and start crying? It’s all in how they experience the pain. I sat on a wooden bench and ate my sandwich as I observed two young boys play, one almost a head taller than the other. Their mother watched as they ran all through the playground equipment. The smaller child was running on the other side of the playground while the mother talked to a pregnant woman. The small child tripped and landed flat on his chest. I cringed and expected a cry, but he wiped his hands on his shirt and kept running. A few minutes later he was running with the larger child and the larger kid fell. His face contorted and he let out a big wail. The smaller kid stood there trying to figure out what had happened. The mother heard his cries and came running. The smaller kid waited for the larger kid to get himself together and they started running around again. The mother yelled at them to slow down, but they didn’t listen. They ran around the slide and around the swings and almost came full circle when the smaller boy tumbled to the ground again and I should have guessed that he was going to cry, but I was hoping that he would repeat his earlier toughness. He cried louder than the larger kid. The mother came rushing to his aid, helped him up and as soon as she dusted him off he stopped crying, he got what he wanted and started the running all over again.

This little boy learned to feel the pain and imitate the larger boy’s reactions because he knew that his mother would come and give him affection. The little boy embraced this new system of garnering affection from his mother. If that’s what it took to get his mother’s attention then so be it.

Learn to Use Your Fear

You can learn to use your fear by understanding why you’re afraid of the pain. A lot of our fear is based on learned habits. We must peel away the layers and discover where the emotions come from by testing our comfort levels. The better you understand the system you have created, the happier you will become. It’s not easy to lean into the fear because it creates discomfort, but understand how you feel the pain is vital to improving your ability to enjoy life.

“Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive — the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”
- Don Miguel Ruiz

How often have you been afraid to do something, then once you did it you realized it wasn’t that bad?

When I was young I was always scared to try new things – broccoli, tennis camp, and whatever else my parents thought was good for me. I built up the fear to protect myself from mental anguish. By creating all these expectations in my head, I constructed a wall of anxiety that still causes me trouble. However as I’ve pushed myself to lean into my worries, I’ve been able to pull out a little piece of myself and look at it, meditate on it, laugh at it and then put it back in and have a deeper understanding of why it’s there.

Broccoli is now one of my favorite foods and I had a blast at tennis camp. My parents knew that I had to embrace my concerns in order to overcome them. It was impossible to just snap my fingers and make myself like broccoli; believe me, I tried every mind over matter technique. It wasn’t until I began to slowly lean into my fear of broccoli that I began to enjoy it. I ate small portions every week for a couple of months until I got used to it, then before I knew it I was a proud broccoli eater.

Small Steps

You can learn to embrace your fears whether it be public speaking, asking someone you like on a date, or starting your own business. It takes a little bravery, but diligence is most important to figuring out a way to enjoy something that once scared you. So try making a list of things that scare or intimidate you and pick the least frightening. Make up a small plan to slowly introduce it into your life on a regular basis, and step by step try to overcome something that causes you fear. Over time you’ll probably look back and laugh at the old you that was afraid because it was just a bad habit.

How have you leaned into your fears to allow them make you stronger? I would love to hear any stories that you might have to share.

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Karl @ January 23, 2008